A review of all that is random, parte uno

The first in its series, this review of all that is random covers technologically awesome gadgetry, infomercial products, Doritos, video games, and the movie 300.

300: A professional critique
3.5 stars (out of 5)
What I liked:
The gore. 300 was inundated with splattering blood and loss of limb. But it was so fake-looking and excessive that it was more like watching The Itchy and Scratchy show, so I was able to handle it just fine.

The BODIES. 6 months of really intense fight training does a body good. As a Denver Post critic put it, "There is nary a fella among them who couldn't own the cover of Men's Health." For your enjoyment (perhaps more for mine), here is what I'm talking about:


What I did not think was hot:
Xerxes. Alright, who let Ru Paul into Xerxes' make-up trailer? C'mon, fess up ...

Technologically awesome gagdetry

Blue faucet light, Discovery Channel Store.
I'm proud to say I own this one. It makes for fun, cheap entertainment for those with little social life (or skills -- no need to talk when this baby's on). But it does encourage water waste. If only it came with a bathtub adapter.


Infomercial Products
some of this stuff's been around for years, but if it's new to me, it's ... new to me.

Therashower. This is such a cool product that they weren't even showing it at 3 a.m. It's a detachable showerhead with replaceable water filters that take care of chlorine and all that other nasty crap in tap water. But wait! That's not all! It also holds a cartridge of scented beads that releases steamy aromatherapy every time you turn on the shower. Order now for just $29.99 and get a lifetime supply of filter cartridges (and free "soapy sponge"!!!). WOWZA!!! (Let me know if it works, too. )

Noise amplifier. I just saw a commercial for this thing, and I can't find it online, and I would never venture to order it, either. but I thought it interesting because they actually advertise using it for eavesdropping purposes, like there's nothing morally askew there. Oh, but don't worry - it's also very practical, like if you're sitting in church and have a hard time hearing the sermon (no joke, both uses were advertised).

Doritos: The conspiracy
Spicy Nacho, Cooler Ranch, and Original Doritos are classic yummys. But has anyone other than myself and my roommate noticed that they are just not quite as "spicy," "Cool," or generally "Original" as they originally were? The Dorito conspiracy theory goes like this. Dorito now has it's younger, hipper chips to promote, like "Fiery Habenero," "Rancho," "Taco," "Toasted Corn," "Light Nacho Cheese," "Reduced Fat Cool Ranch," "Black Pepper Jack," "Salsa," "Salsa Verde," and "Blazin' Buffalo and Ranch." Didn't know there were so many, huh? That's a lot of flavor to promote. So why not dampen that flavor in the classics, which will always be big sellers, get folks to start thinking that maybe their Dorito relationship is getting a bit stale and much, much too corny. Then BAM! Introduce a plethora of new wild and exciting chip possibilities. Hmm, you had us for a while, Doritos - but now we're on to you. Tricksey and false, I tell you ... Tricksey and false.

Mario Kart double dash
I'm no video game connoisseur, but I do know my Mario Kart. An avid N64 Mario Kart gamer, I could tell you just about every short-cut, name every track, and even hum the music that goes with each one. What I'm saying is this: take me seriously here.
Mario Kart Double Dash on Nintendo GameCube is not as cool. Sure, it may have clearer graphics, more receptive controllers, and little baby versions of the classic characters, but part of the fun of the original Mario Kart was the confusion of it all. I reveled in my angry yet sentimentally loyal "What the hell?! I totally did NOT slip on that banana!," or my opponent's furious "I am NOT telling you to go that way! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WARIO?" What about the ambiguously gay Luigi's post-race antics, and Peach's absolutely unsubtle whoring of herself? Or Rainbow Road, the creator of which was clearly shrooming. Don't we want that back? I say why let go of the past so easily? It's in all that chaos that we truly found ourselves.

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If there's anything you'd like reviewed in the next edition of "A review of all that is random," send it my way and I'll see what I can do!