Unabashed, no ash

Ash Wednesday has come again, and for the second time within my span of memory, I didn't go. I can feel the guilt creeping through me. Whether that guilt is Catholic-induced or it's just me, I don't really know, but it's oddly annoying and saddening at the same time. It's strange not being part of something I once considered so powerfully real. But it's harder yet to sit through a mass and keep my mouth from opening and saying all those things I used to say. "Lord, I am not worthy..."; "I believe in one God, the Father Almighty..."; and the ultimate in monotone: "It is right to give Him thanks and praise..." (don't anyone change your intonation - you might pull a throat muscle).

I went to mass with my parents recently, and come communion time I had no idea what to do. Realizing the monumental meaning of the Eucharist to the Catholic church (since I used to be pretty hard core about it myself), I didn't want to take it, out of respect. But then there were all these friends of mine across the pews who would see that whole new side of me, that far-drifted girl who used to be so solid in her faith. Former Catholics on Campus Vice President, anyone? Buffalo Awakening 2-8?

I was telling Andy how weird it felt not to have ashes on my forehead today. He offered to make a fire and put an ash smiley face on my forehead to make me feel better. Kind offer. Blasphemous, but kind. :)

After reading Sue Monk Kidd's The Dance of the Dissident Daughter, I feel so much more founded in a spirituality that is sort of all my own. What I love about the Church is the community it provides. What I dislike about it is enough to keep me away, at least for now. I haven't lost hope in the Church, but for me, right now, at this time in my life, it's not something I'll settle for, or fight for, either.

I've got this blog, but why I'm reciting these concerns here is kind of intriguing to me. I guess I like a little controversy -- feeling that little rush of knowing a lot of people reading this might be surprised or {gasp!} offended. But it's honest, and I'm convinced that's the best way to be with things like this.

Let me just say that I have incredible respect for the people who work for the Church - to keep it strong and make it beautiful, and to work toward goodness and truth. I have real love for the friends I've met there, and find inspiration from just about every one of them.

So offer up your opinions, comments, discussions ... I'd love to hear them, and I mean that.
Oh, and this "serious" business is temporary, so get it while it lasts!

And I didn't end up taking the Eucharist that day in church. I did go up to get blessed by the priest.