Yes, I'm 9 years old, thank you very much.

It's been consuming me ...
Why don't restaurants require proof of age for people ordering from the children's menu? It seems unfair that I should be required to show the 18-year-old at TGI Friday's my ID to get a $7 drink that allegedly contains Kahlua, but the supposed "8-year-old" one booth down gets his grilled cheese with hardly the bat of an eyelash. Where, I ask, is the justice here?! Grilled cheese, macaroni and cheese, and other cheese-focused food items are not only adored by the "you must be this tall to ride" class. Plus, like prices matter to a 5-year-old. I've noticed some restaurants use clever language to politely say "KEEP OUT" to the rest of us. Language like "For our young friends under 12 years old." Okay, jerk! What have you got for your very poor friends struggling under the weight of student loans?? Where's our $3 Elmo's pizza?
Along similar lines, what about the 55+ menu? Do they check ID for that? I remember my dad getting excited about his 55th birthday because it would mean special discounts on all that "home food." But for those of us whose age lies somewhere between, they've got nothing. In the words of Stephanie, DJ, and little Michelle Tanner: HOW RUDE.
But really I want these restaurant laws to be strictly enforced so that I can successfully build a lucrative business making and selling fake 55+ and 10-and-under IDs to people like my dad who might want to jump the gun on the senior meals, or perhaps to recently-turned 13-year-olds who just can't kick the craving for that bonus toy included with kid's meal purchase. Mostly, though, I'd market to people like me, whose real age lies somewhere in the deep, dark ravine of discountlessness.
I could go into any restaurant right now and order the dinosaur-shaped chicken strips and kiddy sundae, but nary a waitress would hesitate to bark back that I'm clearly too old for the children's menu. But what could they say if I whipped out a professionally crafted, laminated Identification card that plainly showed my picture, and a February 10, 2001 birth date in bold? What could they do?!?